Come to think of it, I really needed to let this out. Why am I taking this the hard way again? I'm not sure, I'm just that complicated. I shouldn't need to explain myself but here it goes.

   I've reached to the point where I can't be bothered to have feelings anymore. You were so special and you made me feel special. I've let you go for solid reasons. I know I was a nuisance to your life. That's why I decided to step back, but there was always that part in me who is still holding on to you. Up until now. And I feel stupid for doing so, A friend of yours had told me that you had found somebody else, well good for you. :) I thought we were gonna wait for each other, but I guess not. hmm, it's almost been one year but why haven't I completely moved on yet and let it all go?

   Why do I still have 4th of October as my phone's passcode? Why do I still have screenshots of our conversations? It genuinely hurt me to see you with my own bestfriend-- well she's not anymore but still. You get what I mean. I know I deserved to be hurt for letting someone like you go, but I wasn't sure if what happened after our break up was something you had done for my attention or was it just truly who you are as a person.

    When I saw how easy you moved on from me, I thought to myself, perhaps we are not meant to be. I pretended to be okay. But God knows how much it hurts. Yes, I was the one who let you go, but I wanted us to search our way back to each other one day. But I guess that's never gonna happen anymore. I don't know if you were referring to me in all those stories and tweets you posted on social media-- or was it for somebody else. I honestly don't have a clue anymore.

  The harsh words you threw at me and then the apologies that came through made me even far more confused. Who am I actually in your life? One second I'm a b***h to you, and another second I'm not. I wasn't able to let these feelings go and I fricking don't understand why. Whilst writing out your birthday message, I felt warm tears running down my face. And again. I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY.

   Throughout this past year, I've came across someone who has a heart as pure as gold. Trustworthy, kind, thoughtful etc. But again, I ended up hurting him instead. All these past memories are still haunting me up to the point, I became heartless and cruel. I've pushed people away because I was so scared that these things will happen to me again like a cycle. But, I'm honestly just confused as frick. I can't get rid of these anxiety and fear. I deliberately treated him 'lebih kurang' only to make him hate me. So that he would go find someone better and live a good and happy life. Yet, I got hurt too during this tremendous process of mine. I'm just too frightened to get close to anyone anymore. Regardless of whatever nice things they'd done for me, I still couldn't find a way to accept them.

  And throughout this past year too, I had been crushing on someone for the sake of trying to get my mind distracted from things. It feels weird crushing on someone that I never hoped to get together with at all. It's all for the sake of pretending that I still have feelings. Lol. I don't know where this is going anymore but I think that's all I can put into words for now. And happy fasting to you guys.

- Peace and out.






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